You only get one shot

Fml

I don’t wanna live anyway, life is fucking shit

So there has been a lot going on!

Fashion show was awesome, as ever! Had so much fun and got to meet some new people and hang out a lot with people I get on well with. Also think I raised my profile just a smidgen with my tone up in body in the run in to the show. Two freshers came up and said “wow, I don’t think I’ll be able to look at you in the same way again”. Not sure if that will be because they’d never seen me that way before or because they were a little bit repulsed! I’ll take the former in the hope that no-one would be outright that rude! After party was really good too! RB was around, haven’t seen her in a while and I’m starting to think we could have something but I’m not sure what her stance is. She is quite the flirt but she seems to find me, its not just one way traffic but I think it would always be difficult for something to happen because of the difference in friends we keep, because I’m white I don’t think it would go down to well amongst her friends.

AF was apparently on the case as well, or so MM told me. Unfortunately I have scarce memory from the disco itself so I may or may not have spoken to her. I just remember her being right in front of me for most of my dances which was rather amusing but then again she’s seen everything of me so she knows what to expect! Although I didn’t look as good as I do now when we slept together. With xmas disco on the horizon though we will have to see what happens.

Then there’s the new girl in my life RA. She is a good friend of CT’s from home and we met again whe we went out to fabric. I had an inkling that she was interested as she kept moving to dance by me but then thought maybe its my imagination and left it be. The next day I get a facebook message asking me if I want to go for a drink. Now I’ve never been on a proper date so I thought why not got nothing to lose. We went to the breakfast club near l’pool street and it is a pretty cool venue. Very small but it has an upstairs americsan style diner with a huge smeg fridge which is actually a door leading downstairs into a rather romantic bar. The night went reasonably well we had a couple of cocktails and chatted about quite a few things, including some quite personal stuff. A few drinks and a pub and we were waiting at the bus stop on the way home. I had ample opportunity’s to kiss her throughout the night but didn’t, mainly because I am a bit of a wuss so I did what I usually do and get into a situation where I have to force myself. The bus I needed to catch came and so I used that as an opportunity to kiss her which I think caught her a bit off guard. It was a nice kiss, one of the better ones I’ve had actually, she had very soft lips! This also broke my duck of never having kissed anyone who wasn’t white! I’m so multicultural haha.

Since then (well even before) we have spoken everyday via text, and texting quite a lot. It feels like it might be a little too much too soon but I thought well no I quite enjoy chatting to her and she is quite attractive but I have learnt that she is a little bit crazy and has a past that, is a very familiar to RT’s. How do I keep finding these girls. I’ve got a feeling that she has lots of issues which she keeps insisting she is “over” now but I’m not too convinced.

We went to see happy feet two on saturday, with the offer of her staying over, I said I’d sleep on the sofa and she could have my bed. The film was good, I really enjoyed it, don’t think she did so much but there we are. Went for some drinks with friends afterwards so people got to meet her and it meant we weren’t just spending some couply time. We went back to mine about half 1ish and I gave her a tour of the house, met MA as he was still up then we proceeded to the bedroom. I could tell she was a bit drunk so we just kissed and chatted for a bit. Whilst we were messing around she made the first move, which surprised me a bit but thought go with it. She kept asking what I wanted and I didn’t lie and said I wanted to sleep with her but I wasn’t expecting her to. We ended up doing just that and it was a rather strange experience! In a good way though. I will spare the gory details but it was rather successful. We cuddled and chatted for a bit before falling asleep. The next day we were woken by MO shouting for breakfast, so we wennt downstairs and sat with the boys and MO’s gf.

This is where we crossed a boundary I think a bit early. We’ve only been out twice and I’m beginning to think it’s all going a bit quick. Yes typical guy I know, but its not been that case before. She asked me what I wanted out of this and I said I didn’t know. I don’t just want a fuck buddy but I’m not sure I want a relationship either. But I don’t know what the middle ground to that is! I think part of me is happy being single and part of me wants a girlfriend. I’m leaning towards the being single bit though for now because I am a bit worried that I will do something stupid and hurt her. For some reason I’ve been doing a lot better with woman recently and I think I have started to realise that and want to make some use of it seeing as after RT I didn’t have sex for just over 2 years. Which I know isn’t everything but at the day we all have our primal urges.

I just don’t know what to do, the more I find out about her, the crazier this all gets. At the same time though it makes her feel closer to me. She kept telling me that she really liked me and she’d never felt like this about anyone before. I mean I do like her, but I didn’t lie and say those things back or agree with her, that would be too harsh. I will meet with her again, but not sleep with her just to see what its like when I take all of my natural instincts away. Also I will feel a lot better and I think she will if I do decide not to pursue it and I’ve just slept with her everytime I’ve seen her.
I complained about finding a gf and now there is potential I am not so sure!

Ugh life!

Oh tumblr you have missed out on a lot! It’s too late to explain now but you will be filled in!

Rehearsals are a lot of effort but it is a lot of fun. I think I was right to kick off about not being in any partner dances. It sounds really pervy the fact that I wanted to be in dances with girls but that is a lot of the fun. Fashion show takes out the awkwardness of getting to know people because within an hour or so of meeting them you are forced to grind or twirl them. The people that are confident enough to do it are going to be a good laugh and not boring because after all you have to perform in front of 600 of your friends, colleagues and randomers!

Having no-one to see after the rehearsals has made me feel a bit lonely. Alright I’ve got friends but things are not progressing with any of the girls I want it to. Tomorrow is one of the socials though so should be interesting. Gives me an opportunity to actually get to know some people properly! We’ve got a few socials coming up so put the spade work in early. Problem is TD isn’t one for going out and meeting new people for some reason, I only met her through MB. She’s not my normal type really and she’s not that conventionally attractive but there’s something about her. I seem to keep falling for ones like that. To be honest though I’m not convinced she’s interested but I haven’t had the chance to find out really.
It’s getting close to christmas too. I always find this the loneliest time of year. I love christmas too which is why I think its hard. That and my dad passed away 2 weeks before it. 9 years this year it will be. I thought 20’s were supposed to be good. There have been some awesome times but so far it’s been ok. Its only up to me to change it I guess

Actually scared of dying, blood in sputum, chest pain, wtf. Oh well, if you die you die. After all, we’re only here to reproduce not to work out who made us or why we are here. Knowing more about the human body does make you more paranoid. What is the fucking point.

So last night i had fashion show auditions. Yes that’s right the 5th time in 6 years and now for the 3rd time as a non student. I use the excuse that it’s for charity and that i’m doing agood deed in auditioning but the truth is i really love it! It is amazing, so much fun. The charityness is a massive bonus, 10 thousand pounds each year it raises and for a few hours of my life a couple of days a week is nothing, especially when it’s fun anyway.

The main reason i started this post though was the fact that i was called “mr fashion show”. Now this is no passing comment to me. A guy called jas (absolute legend) was known as this a few years ago, only difference is he could actually dance and was a student. Now i consider myself to be able to classify myself as neither. I am defnitely not a student. As far as dancing goes, i can get the movesd and do them in time to the music but i wouldnt say it looks particularly good! Anyway as far as i’m aware i got in again so i am a very happy bunny. It is an opportunity to meet a lot of new people and to get fit (which i dfinitely need to do because i have to strip to my boxers for the show anyway).

I have a “new” job, the fashion show till christmas and a girl who is sort of interested in me for the first time in a while.

Life is good! X

Love it when people say things like this. Mainly because I only ever really remember people when they’re hot or really interesting. Seeing as I don’t remember talking to her I’m gonna assume she thinks I’m hot. She seems a bit raaaa but despite this seems very nice as well. It’s not often I ever bump into her but hopefully with freshers coming up, I can use it to forge better links with people around me rather than the new scary immaturos

So, having had a messy week or so it’s here. The story.

So saturday. I went to the cinema with TSJ to watch the inbetweeners film (for the 2nd time). Afterwards, as I had figured we would anyway, we decided to hit the pub and get drunk for the bank holiday weekend. We’re in the pub and I get a text from my brother effectively asking me to be his wingman for the evening at this 80s style bar in Croydon. I happily agreed as I should spend more time with him and so there it was. A few hours later we leave wimbledon for tooting to meet a friend of mine CT for a drink as she had also got in touch. So we go for a drink and yet another friend pops out of the woodwork in the form of CC. We have a few drinks and my brother meets us and we venture to croydon. Perhaps my last proper memory for the evening. What happens next is we get to reflex and CT doesn’t get in because the bouncers see her drinking on the street. So CC takes her home and the rest of us carry on. I had forgotten that this eve was the night of someones birthday which, you guessed it, was at reflex. Now there’s a girl who I was attempted to be set up with a month or so back and it didn’t happen and I thought nothing of it. But then she was there that night. Apparently we spent a lot of time dancing together and in the corner kissing (I hear this from my brother not from my memory). Next thing you know I wake up in her bed with just a solitary sock on and a used condom on. Oops. I say oops because it was actually embarrassing not remembering anything at all. It was fine in the morning, we are rather similar personalities and get on rather well so we lay dying together (of a hangover) until I left at 2 o’clock. Ever since I have asked myself if I would again. Based on the fact I’ve been asking myself if SHE would again, I reckon I do. I am just still a bit scared and feel a bit like iim still in a relationship which I am most certainly not.

She helped me. Which sounds a bit weird. She put a smile on my face which no-one has been able to do in that way for a long time and I am so grateful for that. As for the future, who knows, I wouldn’t be saying no.

So one to add to the list which I said to myself would reach this number and that would be it
No. 5 - Amy